Ayumi

Ayumi hanging out with her daddy at dim sum.

Ayumi smiling for the first time. She's 8 weeks here.

Akemi slept through the nite

Whoo hoo! Akemi slept through the nite! Now I just need to sleep train Ayumi. She wakes up at midnite, 2:30am, 5:30am. I'm trying to get rid of the 2:30am feeding.

One step at a time right?

Mother's Guilt

It's been a whirlwind of 10 weeks since Ayumi's birth. The 2nd time is definitely easier. I know what to expect and I'm found that it was easier to get into the routine of diaper change, nurse, burp, swaddle, and rock to sleep. I definitely was not stressed about breastfeeding, but was surprised to find out that it still hurts when you get started on breastfeeding all over again.

One thing that I expected but did not realize that I would have such a hard time is the 'mother's guilt'. It's the guilt of not being able to give all the attention to Akemi. It's the guilt that Ayumi needs to cry a little bit longer because I'm pre-occupied with Akemi. It's the nervousness of whether I'm being a fair and loving mother to both of my girls.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started to dose off to sleep in Akemi's bed as I'm putting her down for bed. I find myself waking up at midnight and staggering off to my own bed. Knowingly that this creates a bad habit and routine for Akemi, this routine continued for months. I was too tired to not fall asleep.

Luckily Akemi continued to slept through the nite. However, after Ayumi's birth, Akemi started to have night terrors. She would wake up at midnite, 3am, and 5am screaming! At first, we would go check on her, only to find out that it made the situation worse. She would wake up and want one of us to sleep with her. We learned quickly that it was best to let her night terror pass through.

We asked the doctor about it and she shared that she was 'subconsciously' jealous of the new baby and didn't know how to display her emotions when she's awake, so it happens when she's sleeping. Jonathan was sad to hear that his baby girl was sad and wanted more attention.

After hearing that, I felt guilty and went back to letting her sleep with us in bed.

It's been weeks and it's starting to take a toll. So TONITE was THE nite! We started Akemi's sleep training AGAIN.

I continued with the bedtime routine but this time, I read stories to her in a chair next to her bed. She resisted and wanted to sit with me, but I kept telling her that she needs to lay down. After bedtime stories, I turned off the light and that's when she went ballistic. She never did this before, but she started to stand on her bed screaming. I kept telling her to lay down and said if she starts screaming again, I'm going to leave.

I left the room and shut the door. I could hear her run towards the door and her little hand trying so hard to turn the knob. A sleep solution book shared that I need to leave the door closed for 5 mins. It was the longest 5 mins I ever experienced. It was aweful to hear her pounding on the door, crying for me. 'Mommmmeeeeeee'. I could only imagine her kneeling on the floor, crying.

After 5 mins, I took her back to bed and turned off the ceiling lights. She managed to turn it on during the 5min timeout. As we headed back to bed, she started screaming for daddy. 'DAddeee....nooooo mommmeeee....dadddeeee'' I almost broke out crying. I kept feeling that she hated me and didn't want me anymore.

'Akemi, if you keep screaming, mommy is going to leave again. I'm here right now. Please lay down and go to sleep'. I rub and pat her back as she whimpered off to sleep.

What seemed like 30 mins to an hour, only lasted 15 mins.

7:40 Lights out

7:45 Left the room after Akemi's rants

7:50 Back into the room and dragged Akemi back to sleep

8:10 Akemi fell asleep

8:15 Left the room

This is day 1. I have 13 more days to go! We're crossing our fingers that she won't wake up in the middle of the night.