She's finally here - Part II

This is my (Jonathan) second entry as a father. I wanted to post a bit about the first couple nights at the hospital. And of course post some pictures of our baby girl!

The first few hours right after delivery was filled with alot of joy and intense emotions. Our families had come by in the afternoon and then alot of close friends came by in the evening. It was great to receive so much support and love from everyone.

But it was not until later that evening that the sleep deprivation finally kicked in. The emotional highs had also worn off and it was now just Karen, myself, and our baby girl. Karen had begun feeding and I was just trying to be her extra hands. It all worked pretty well up until Karen finally fell asleep after a feeding and I was holding the baby to keep her from crying so Karen could sleep.

It was about 2:00am and the lights in the room were off except one. It was set dimmed halfway and cast this weird orange light in the room. Karen was out in the bed and I was sitting in a chair. It was very very quite. No people talking. No TV. No chatter. Just me and the baby.

The emotional high and energy had worn off. My eyes felt so heavy and I could barely stand. I wanted to put the baby in her crib, but she would immediately start crying if I did. So I knew I had to hold her to keep her quiet so Karen could sleep. But I myself could barely hold on. It was then that I started to have a panic attack. I started thinking, "This is crazy! How am I going to handle this? I need to sleep!"

I could feel my heart racing. I wanted to scream or something. I wanted to wake up Karen and have take the baby.

What I ended up doing was calling the nurse and asking her to take the baby to the nursery so we could sleep. The hospital will do this in between feedings if the parents request it. I think we (or I) had some unrealistic expecation that we would be able to "tough" it out and just keep the baby with us. Or maybe we felt were not being good parents if we did not keep the baby around the entire time.

In the end, I don't regret the decision. Karen and I finally managed to get a 5-6 hours of sleep (in 2 hour segments) that night. By the next morning, I felt much better.

This is when I begin to have the realization that we had a tough road ahead. Parenthood was something that no matter how many books I read or classes I took, would throw me for a loop and I would have to do whatever it took to take care of my child. I would have to except the fact that my life was (or already had) going to change forever. I think it was that fear that caused me to have my panic attack.

But I know it will be ok. I know that this is all for that beautiful little human being that is a part of me. I will endure the sleepless nights, the crying, the dirty diapers, and all the things that you really can NOT prepare yourself for. Because in the end, the love that I have for my daughter, she will return to me, and it will make it all worthwhile.