Where does the time go?

Where does the time go? My day officially starts at 1pm. From midnight till 1pm, I am feeding Akemi every 2-3 hours and sleeping in between. It starts to get really hard around 3am, where she tends to get a bit fussy.

Here's the mental checklist that we go through when she's fussy:

1. Hungry?
2. Gas? Try to burp her, if not we do bicycle legs...to see if she'll fart
3. Overstimulated? We swaddle her and try to sway and shhh her
4. Need to be held? Keep holding her and sometime fall asleep with her
5. If nothing works, I go through the list again. =D Till...before I know it, it's already for her next feeding...that's when I feel like crying cause that means I got no sleep between feedings.

1pm is when she's sound asleep and where I start to wake up. I finally get to eat breakfast/lunch and if I really have time, to squeeze in a shower. What's really hard is that I also have to take care of Dior.. so usually right when she's asleep, Dior and I run outside just so he can go pee, then we run back inside and pray that Akemi wasn't crying the whole time. Poor Dior doesn't get the opportunity to go #2 till later on during the day.

3pm is usually her next feeding and I'm usually done eating breakfast/lunch and then around 4pm, I start to put food in the oven and count the minutes till Jonathan gets home (5pm-ish).

6pm her next feeding...and I eat dinner afterwards and catch up on email or phone calls and get ready for bed by 8pm. Then it's night shift and my whole day starts over again. CRAZY HUH?

I appreciate Stay at home moms. This is definitely harder than working a corporate job. It's like running a marathon for MONTHS but I have to admit, sometimes when I'm about to 'crack' and wonder why did I get pregnant, Akemi smiles or gives me a wink. The book says she's passing gas, but I take what I can...and the SMILE just makes it all worth while. It's amazing what a tiny smile can do to a deprive woman who's been wearing the same clothes for the past week and haven't pee in HOURS!!

Any moms out there with advice on daily schedule for me, or shortcuts to save time let me know. A few things I stopped doing are:

1. My goal to clean up my work email every Friday - FAILED -- haven't checked it in 3 weeks
2. Pump after every feeding-- got to be too much work to clean the parts every time so I stopped and pump only 1-2 a day
3. Putting makeup on and new clothes -- my neighbor probably wonders if I have any other clothes than my black leggings and some random tshirt

The one GREAT news is that my belly is shrinking and I can fit into my pants! Whoo hoo! I'm so tempted to do situps but I have to wait for my 6 week checkup before any crazy exercise. 'sigh'
So now, I'm just toning up my biceps and triceps by carrying Akemi around. =D

Alright...off to get some sleep before next feeding at 1 am...

Letters to Akemi

Today I decided to write letters to Akemi about our day to day lives. I intially got this idean from my maid of honor, Phuong. She had some of my friends to write letters during significant times for Jonathan and I to read. (e.g. Honeymoon, 1st home, pregnancy). Jonathan and I would read these letters whenever we experience that scenario. Hopefully one day, when she's older, I share the letters with her on one of her birthdays. Maybe in one of those teenage moments, where Akemi may not think we truly love her, I would share the letters and show her we really do! =D

Today she is also 4 weeks old. I don't know why people don't say that she's 1 month old, since that will be this Friday, but wouldn't 4 weeks be a month? Anyways, it seems as though every weekly birthday, she's doing something new. Today she actually looked at her Rainforest mobile for the 1st time. I was so excited that she actually started to observe things more, rather than staring at the ceiling. She also seems to be able to follow me with her eyes. It's kinda creepy but it also shows that she's developing her eyesight. Yay!

late night post [jonathan]

so its 4am...i'm sitting here typing with one hand as i try to rock Akemi to sleep with the other. Karen has been up all night with her already. Time for me to take the 2nd shift. I want to note that one of my undiscovered tools for putting a baby to sleep is a nice swivel chair. The one i am using now is from IKEA. I think I actually bought it from my old company when they moved. Anyways, it has a high back, arms, faux leatherm and whats really key: a SWIVEL/RECLINE feature. Akemi really seems to like it when i hold her in my lap on her side and just rock back and forth and side to side. I can usually put her to sleep in 10-15 min or less.

She's asleep!

Super Jonathan

This weekend was the first time Jonathan and I had our own family time with Akemi. Since Akemi has been born, we always had someone visiting or spending time with us. It was nice to have time with just the 'three of us'. =D The time spent this weekend really solidified the fact that we're really a family.

Jonathan has been an amazing father and husband. He's been taking the night shift this weekend and has been up with Akemi from midnight till 6am. Amazingly he has been very patient this time around and been spending lots of quality time with her. He also has been in the 'planning mode'. He created a weekly meal plan this week and started cooking up a storm on Saturday.

I have a full pot of my favorite cheddar soup, he left a 3lb meat loaf in the frig that I only need to bake, and tons of healthy frozen food for snacks. He really stocked up the frig to make sure I have food.

But the icing on the cake of Jonathan's contribution, is that not only is he picking up after himself, but he's also taking care of our little dog, Dior. I was soo shocked and happy about this weekend, I felt like crying!

Another big event this weekend is that Akemi is now sleeping in her own room. She was sleeping in the bassinet next to my bed for the last 3 weeks, so that she's only an arm's reach away. She's adjusted amazingly in her own crib and room. I was a little sad that she's sleeping so far away from me, that I couldn't help myself and slept in the same room last night. We have baby monitors in our bedroom so I could technically hear her if she started crying but I was going through my own withdrawals of not having her near me.

Akemi is growing so fast that I'm holding on to each day. She's started to look chubbier around the cheeks and I swear she's growing longer cause her clothes are getting tighter. It could also be that I haven't been reading the labels on the clothes and been shrinking them in the dryer. =P
Nevertheless, I can't believe it's been a MONTH!!!! Time flew by and I'm holding on. Before I know it, I'll be back at work! Yikes!

Girl's Day Celebration

My mom and I finally put up the Girl's Day decoration for Akemi. In Japanese tradition, we're suppose to display the Hinamatsuri in early Feb and leave it up till a week after March 3rd.

I've had this decoration since I was a little girl. I think my Uncle bought it in Japan when I was born. I'm suppose to buy one for Akemi when she gets older but I think I'll pass this one on to her.

Here are Akemi's 3 week pictures:

Expectations

I learned today that you can't always rely on people. Whether it be friends or family. Those who you would think will help, often let you down. And then there are those who surprise you. These past few weeks I have seen acts of kindness and generosity from people who I quite honestly did not expect it from. And then there were those who disappointed me because I had certain expectations of them.
In the end I believe that Karen and I will always be there for one another. We are the only two people who will also do anything for Akemi. In regards to taking care of Akemi, maybe I can't be as much help as I would like. Sometimes feel like I'm sitting on the sidelines watching Karen care for Akemi. But today I realized that another role I can take in this family is being Karen's caretaker.
Everyday I am amazed at Karen's strength. She exhibits so much patience with Akemi. Maybe it seems like alot compared to my lack of patience, but regardless I am still impressed. In a way, I am very proud of her. She spends 100% of her energy on Akemi. She has none left for herself. So this is where I should step in.
Maybe cleaning the dishes, taking out the trash, or going to Target to buy Diaper Genie refills isn't part of "fatherhood". But if it makes Karen's job easier [and she has the hardest job], then that's the role I will take.

Akemi is a little oinker

Akemi has been a little oinker...very fitting considering she's born in the year of the 'Golden Pig'. She's been feeding almost every hour! I couldn't figure out why till I started pumping the other side and realize that I'm only producing less than an 1oz of milk. No wonder she's hungry.

It's really odd since only 1 week ago, I was producing like 5 oz of milk on each side. I have the freezer filled with milk. My mom keeps telling me I should taste it but I'm like...'er...I'll pass'.

The nights have been rough lately since she's been hungry. I've been surprising myself lately since my patience have been growing. Jonathan would 'sigh' whenever Akemi starts to cry and I'm sooo tempted to ream him for his little sigh, but instead I would comment that it doesn't help me. Lately he has been better about making less noise too. =)

Jonathan keeps asking me how I'm so patient with her but for me it's really easy. I carried her for 9 months in my belly, watched carefully what I ate (those chocolate cravings were really hard not to surcome to), and beared through all the pregnancy issues. So when she starts crying, I only want to keep continuing to take care of my precious gift. That's why it's so tempting when Jonathan just drops her on my lap to scream, 'Do you know what it took to make sure she came out healthy? No wine, sushi, or soft cheese for 9 months!!!' I think I'll tell him that today. =)

Anyways, Akemi is 3 weeks old. I'm usually not the type to keep track but she's getting chubbier. She's looking more like a baby now. I'll post a picture up once I get a free hand. It's very hard to type with one hand. =)

Rough night....[jonathan]

Well last night I had another mental breakdown with Akemi. It had already been a long day. I made a run to Babys R Us in Covina in the morning and then drove down to Westchester for a couple of basketball games. The second game I played ended up with me fouling out early in the game. I was actually playing against some friends, but they seemed intent on getting me fouled out! I was just trying to have a fun game--but they treated it as if it was some 10 year rivalry. And of course they found it funny that I fouled out. So much for friends right? I was so pissed. I wanted to mangle the referee. And of course I felt cheated because I drove 45 minutes from Pasadena to play a couple recreational basketball games. But at least my team still won [albeit by close margin] . So there was some satisfaction there.

Sorry.....I am digressing here, but I had to get the whole basketball ordeal off my chest. Back to my point...

So with all that in my head I went home and tried to go to bed early. But around 2am, Akemi decided that she did not want to go to sleep after her feeding. So I took her downstairs and tried to quiet her down.

It's funny how a baby wailing at the top of its lungs sounds different during the day [when you're wide awake] vs. at night [when you've had your REM sleep broken repeatedly]. When it's the latter, the sight and sound of a baby screaming is equivalent to having your fingernails pulled off. Actually..that's not very accurate because that's is more of a "painful" event. It's more like that helpless, frustrated, exasperated feeling when you're computer crashes after you've just spent the last 10 hours writing a thesis.

So after about 45 minutes of staring down the back of Akemi's throat listening to that blood curdling wail, I went upstairs and literally dropped her into Karen's lap and muttered "You need to feed her!" Karen ended up feeding her in the nursery and falling asleep with Akemi downstairs while I slept in our bedroom.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty sh***y. I felt like I had failed as a father last night. I was upset with myself that I lost my cool and did not keep it together. It is my job as a parent to take care of my baby no matter what happens. You definitely learn alot about yourself when you become parent. I am lucky that Karen is so forgiving and patient. She could have easily gotten mad at me for treating Akemi like that--but she was very understanding. I just hope that some of that patience and understanding rubs off on me so I can be a better father.

Back to work [jonathan]

I'm going back to work "fulltime" this week. I was supposed to take two weeks off for paternity leave, but I ended up going into the office most of the days anyways . It's been frustrating because I wanted to spend more time at home with Akemi. They say these first few weeks are critical because it's during this time the baby connects with those who are around her the most. Those days I didn't go into work, I would try to stay up more at night and help Karen with the feedings and diaper changes. If Akemi got really fussy, I would take her out of the room and keep her occupied so Karen could get a few hours of sleep. Although it was tough, I felt very close to Akemi. I felt like I had a big role in her daily activities. I actually didn't mind changing the diapers because it was my time with her!

But the days that I went into work, I was more tired and I couldn't keep myself up at night to help. This meant I had less time with Akemi. She sleeps most of the time and typically is most active in the afternoon. So when I get home, she is already asleep.

The part that really frustrates me is that I work for the family business. I run an independent division of the company. We had a really successful 2007 with increased sales and newly developed business. I felt like I put in alot of time, including time "outside" of the office. I paid my dues. Yet when I told my parents that I wanted to work from home when the baby was born so I could be closer to her--they looked at me like I was crazy. They reluctantly allowed me to work from home, but basically it was frowned upon. I'm sure it was partly because they did not want to have the other employees feel like I was getting preferential treatment. To that I say "Who gives a crap what other people think". Let them do their job and I will do mine.

Lately I have been feeling less connected to Akemi. I feel more like a sub now than a full time player in her life since I am not around all the time. We introduced the bottle this weekend which was nice because it was one more thing I could be involved. I am looking forward to when Akemi can really start interacting with us. I may have to just demand that my parents allow me to have more flexible hours. My own family (Akemi, Karen) are more important than worrying about other people.

How do working moms do it?

As I was up late feeding Akemi, I was trying to figure out how working moms get ready for work with a infant. I figured I'll have to get up around 5am, feed, and change Akemi's diaper. Get myself ready and then dress Akemi before I leave so I won't have to change her twice from any spit up after the feeding. I probably would have to pack her daycare stuff the night before.

The other thing I was trying to figure out is how many bottles of breastmilk would I need to pack in her daycare bag. Would the daycare accept frozen milk? These are things I'll need to ask my daycare in April. We're planning to send Akemi to a family daycare in Pasadena that our neighbor recommended. It's costing us around $800 a month to take her there. Isn't that crazy?

My mom keeps suggesting that I become a full time mom but there's no way to do that financially these days. Plus, I need some adult conversation! =D I'm sure I'll cry the day I drop Akemi off at daycare. We shall see! For now, I'm cherishing every moment with her. Already her face is changing. She's finally getting chubbier!

The Truth

The truth is today was the 3rd time I cried since Akemi was born. I didn't cry due to the stress of taking care of her, but I cried due to holding everything in. I know in my blogs, the tone tends to be upbeat,its partially due to me not remembering who the audience of the blog is anymore, since I sent the link out to the entire world. But the truth of the matter is, this is my blog and I apologize in advance to anyone that may get a tiny bit hurt by what I write or the honesty of my posts.

"Holding everything in'. I'm tired of it. Although I know everyone's opinion is with well intention,but it's a bit overwhelming. I get it from all sides including from my husband. My 1st cry was me just being in the middle of opinions between Jonathan and my mom. I finally broke down to Jonathan and told him that I just can't take suggestions from him on how to swaddle or calm Akemi and then take feedback from my mother that her feet is too cold. It just too much to be in the middle of the both of them and meanwhile I'm envious as they both get an opportunity to sleep at night while I'm up every 2-3 hours feeding her. Jonathan was very sympathetic.

The 2nd cry was to my mother who I finally broke down and apologize that although I may be harsh with my words, I didn't mean them and just been feeling stressed out. My mom was grumpy that I wasn't doing her things that she requested right away and I told her I needed like 30 mins after I wake up to come to realization that it's morning.

The 3rd cry, today's cry, was just tired of making everyone happy, but myself. At Chinese's dinner, Jonathan's aunt kept feeding me only certain type of food because it was less salt and told me I should drink cold liquid. Of course, I was polite and did what she suggested, but I was at my whits end with all the suggestion. The icing on the cake was when Jonathan's stepmom told me that she's planning a 1 month birthday for Akemi. I was thinking, 'you could of asked me if that was ok, rather than telling me'. 'sigh'...I just brushed it off but the next day I was furious. Again the Fu family planning things without asking, it's not like I would of said no, but it's the act of asking if it was ok. Then there is family visiting during meal time without bringing any food with them. I was just 'floored' when they came at dinner time and said they have to leave to grab dinner. They offered to bring back food but I made a sly comment that by the time they come back which will be 9pm, I'll be starving. I was just so mad, but I didn't show it...again holding it in.

Then there are some Great experiences that has made Jonathan and I realize who are real friends are. I really appreciate those that visited and genuinely cared for our well being. Aaron, Julie, Joy, Tesho, Willis, Debbie, Helen, Deborah, and Phuong: Thanks for genuinely asking us how we're doing and thanks for those that brought homemade dishes. We really appreciate it and we really appreciate the phone calls.

Akemi's 2 weeks old

Akemi is 2 weeks old today and on this day, she finally lost her umbilical cord stump. My mom was carrying her and it just fell right off. My mom wants me to save it for some Japanese traditional reasons but she can't remember what the tradition is. Isn't that odd? She said it's the last physical link of me to Akemi or something. Anyways, we saved it till she finds out the symbolic reason. I'm tempted to throw it away cause it looks like a big scab. =)

Akemi also had her 2 week check up on Monday. We were reassured by the doctor that her spitting up large amount of milk is normal and that we should change our feeding method to more frequent feeding and less amount. I've been burping her every few minutes and that's been helping in the decrease of spit ups. She's still a little fussy between the hours of midnight and 6am. We thought we were lucky last night cause she was really good from midnight till 4am. She only wakes up to eat and goes straight to sleep.

But then 4am hit and she was so fussy. We would change her diaper, feed, rock, and put her down to sleep but then she would start crying and we would start the entire process. She didn't go to sleep till 6am. Jonathan was dead tired. He still managed to leave for work before 8am today. Meanwhile I knocked out from 8am till 11am.

Any phone calls are appreciated after 1pm because I'm out of commission in the morning from staying up at night. =)

Okidoki,... off to take a nap.

Busy Week

This past week was quite busy. We had some few visitors which was great! Phuong visited Akemi and I and we got to hang out for a bit!


Here is the new swing that Akemi got from Phuong.


Akemi also had her 1st Chinese New Year's and was quite a lucky girl. She got quite a few red envelopes. We will putting all of the money in her college fund that we're setting up. =) Gotta plan ahead right?



Here is another picture of Jonathan's favorite activity with Akemi:

Yasuko's Lingerie

The other day my mom and I went to Yasuko's, a lingerie store, that was recommended by the hospital to buy a nursing bra. We decided to go since it's the only store that was listed in Pasadena. When we got there, we were a bit apprehensive about going in since we had to ring a little buzzer to be entered in and then when we got inside, the store was filled with boxes from floor to the ceiling. The store had bras hanging at any available space to only be cluttered with random paper on the floor. We were just stunned that the store was still in business. It looked like a random storage place of bras.

Then appears a little old Japanese lady with tiny spectacles at the back of the store. We stood there for a good 15 minutes, wondering how we go about looking for a nursing bra. After a while, we decided to leave and said thank you. But the lady was like 'Wait, wait, I'll help you now'. She measured me and handed me a diaper wipe to wipe my hands. I was taken back that she handed me a wipe because her store was more of a mess, than my hands to have dirt on it to handle her bras. In the end, we made an excuse that I have to go home to feed the baby and my time was limited so we left. It definitely was a weird experience. I'm still on the hunt to find a good nursing bra.

On another note, Akemi and I went to our first Breastfeeding group session. Basically all the moms and their infants gather once week to discuss any questions or topics they may have about breastfeeding. Akemi was the youngest baby there at 9 days. It helped that I went because Akemi has been coughing when she's been feeding and been spitting up alot of milk. Jonathan and I had to change our bedsheets several times because of her spit ups. We got smarter and started laying out towels beneath her head when we're swaddling her. We were pretty worried that she was spitting up everything she dranked and was planning to call the doctor but decided to hold off till I went to this session.

It seems as though it's normal for babies to spit up a lot. We're now burping her more and letting her sit up longer after a feeding session before we wrap her. That's been helping. She's still coughing when she nurses. I think that's cause she's nursing too fast so I've been pumping to ease it a bit. I already have 2 bags full of milk in the freezer. It's crazy how much milk I have.

Anyways, going out today wiped both Akemi and I. We zonked out for a nice nap in the afternoon and plan to head over to Jonathan's dad's house for Chinese New Year celebration.

T-minus 3 hours......

I [jonathan] was having an interesting conversation with another "new" father last night and one of the things that came up was how fast time flies when you have a small child. You become so consumed in the cyclical process of feeding the little helpless human being. As soon as one feeding starts, you check the clock to see when the next feeding should start. From there, you calculate how much sleep or other activity you can get done between the feedings. You manage your day around these feeding cycles, including basic activities like showers, going to the bathroom, making meals, going out to run errands, etc. The concept of morning, noon, and night get tossed out the window. Instead you mark the time by the number of times you've fed your baby in the last 24 hours. So when you ask yourself, "What time is it?" The answer is: Fourth feeding. T-minus 1 hours, 15 minutes to Fifth feeding.

Akemi's 1 week Birthday

Akemi is officially 1 week old today! We're amazed at how quickly the week flew by. We're trying to cherish every second with our baby girl. =)

Life as a new mom has been interesting to say the least.

1st : Anyone that said breastfed diapers do not stink was lying. It stinks like a rotten egg and I can smell it a mile away.

2nd: Breastfeeding is hard because of the schedule. Every 2-3 hours the baby needs to be fed. No one told me that it takes 1 hour to change the diaper, nurse, burp, nurse, and swaddle. By the time I finish doing all of that, I only have 1-2 hour of a free moment and that's only if Akemi goes straight to sleep. =)

3rd: I use to be modest when it came to undressing or showing any part of my body, but after giving birth, I find myself being able to breastfeed in front of my in-laws. Something I NEVER thought I do!

4th: Watching Jonathan interact with Akemi amazes me. He truly loves her and laughs even as he's changing her diaper. He constantly wants to hold and kiss her. Watching him, makes me love him even more and I'm sooo happy to see that he is a great father.

Dior is also doing well. He's trying to figure Akemi out. He's not quite sure what she is yet. =)

Those little moments [Jonathan]

It's been six days since Akemi was born. Four days since we brought her home. It's definitely been a rough first few days as I was not prepared for the sleep deprivation that I was going to experience. I tried to tell myself it was just like in college when I would be working last minute on a project. But then again, my projects never cried and didn't require diapers to be changed.

Speaking of diapers, I had one of my first memorable moments with Akemi today. I was downstairs getting her ready for a feeding as Karen ate some breakfast. I went upstairs to our bedroom to change Akemi and went back downstairs. I swear I had barely sat down for 15 seconds when I heard a "ppphhhhhhhhhhhhh....." accompanied by a lovely vibrating feeling resonating through my hand (which was holding her bottom). She had just pooped! I "ran" back upstairs and changed her again.

They say the first few weeks of poop do not smell. But then I've also read that what Karen eats affects what goes into the poop since she is breastfeeding. So a few days ago, Karen was craving boiled eggs. I don't if that really made it into Akemi's milk--but I swear it sure smelled like it.

It was a quite a moment. But it was such a moment like this that made Karen and I smile. It also gave a nice chuckle, which we really needed.

I also wanted to take this chance to thank those of you who have visited us at home and brought us food. Those "free" meals have been a blessing!!

Our little bundle of Joy

We have been counting down the days of when our baby girl will arrive. After my last post of losing my mucuos plug, Jonathan had been on the edge, wondering when the labor will start. I kept trying to tell him it could take time like weeks so he doesn't get his hopes up... he kept asking, 'Do you think it'll be tomorrow?'.

So it was a suprised when the day after, in the middle of the night, I started to feel strong cramps, then the contractions hit. Wow did I feel them. It's this unbelievable tightening in the lower part of your abs. I understand why it's hard to describe... it just is, but you know when it's happening. The contractions is by far the most difficult part of labor. We tried all the lamaze methods, but no matter how hard I tried to not focus on the pain, you just can't help it.


I was determined to stay at home during the 1st part of labor, which is all the contractions. It was tough feeling them every 5 mins for an hour. I did not want to go to the hospital to only be sent home.


By the time we got to the hospital, I was delerious from the pain. I looked at every nurse and doctor and wanted to scream for medication. But I kept my cool and glad I did because I had to wait for another 2 hours before I could get the epideral.

The whole labor experience made me love Jonathan even more. He was such a supportive coach and really was concern for my well being during the entire process. I couldn't believe he watched me push and even cut the cord!

Akemi came out after 30 mins of pushing and she just plopped out! That was the weirdest feeling ever! My doctor commented that my labor was pretty fast for being a 1st time mom. =)

Anyways, it seems like weeks ago, when I was in the hospital and I'm already cherishing every moment with Akemi and telling her that she can't grow up too fast.