The Truth

The truth is today was the 3rd time I cried since Akemi was born. I didn't cry due to the stress of taking care of her, but I cried due to holding everything in. I know in my blogs, the tone tends to be upbeat,its partially due to me not remembering who the audience of the blog is anymore, since I sent the link out to the entire world. But the truth of the matter is, this is my blog and I apologize in advance to anyone that may get a tiny bit hurt by what I write or the honesty of my posts.

"Holding everything in'. I'm tired of it. Although I know everyone's opinion is with well intention,but it's a bit overwhelming. I get it from all sides including from my husband. My 1st cry was me just being in the middle of opinions between Jonathan and my mom. I finally broke down to Jonathan and told him that I just can't take suggestions from him on how to swaddle or calm Akemi and then take feedback from my mother that her feet is too cold. It just too much to be in the middle of the both of them and meanwhile I'm envious as they both get an opportunity to sleep at night while I'm up every 2-3 hours feeding her. Jonathan was very sympathetic.

The 2nd cry was to my mother who I finally broke down and apologize that although I may be harsh with my words, I didn't mean them and just been feeling stressed out. My mom was grumpy that I wasn't doing her things that she requested right away and I told her I needed like 30 mins after I wake up to come to realization that it's morning.

The 3rd cry, today's cry, was just tired of making everyone happy, but myself. At Chinese's dinner, Jonathan's aunt kept feeding me only certain type of food because it was less salt and told me I should drink cold liquid. Of course, I was polite and did what she suggested, but I was at my whits end with all the suggestion. The icing on the cake was when Jonathan's stepmom told me that she's planning a 1 month birthday for Akemi. I was thinking, 'you could of asked me if that was ok, rather than telling me'. 'sigh'...I just brushed it off but the next day I was furious. Again the Fu family planning things without asking, it's not like I would of said no, but it's the act of asking if it was ok. Then there is family visiting during meal time without bringing any food with them. I was just 'floored' when they came at dinner time and said they have to leave to grab dinner. They offered to bring back food but I made a sly comment that by the time they come back which will be 9pm, I'll be starving. I was just so mad, but I didn't show it...again holding it in.

Then there are some Great experiences that has made Jonathan and I realize who are real friends are. I really appreciate those that visited and genuinely cared for our well being. Aaron, Julie, Joy, Tesho, Willis, Debbie, Helen, Deborah, and Phuong: Thanks for genuinely asking us how we're doing and thanks for those that brought homemade dishes. We really appreciate it and we really appreciate the phone calls.