Well last night I had another mental breakdown with Akemi. It had already been a long day. I made a run to Babys R Us in Covina in the morning and then drove down to Westchester for a couple of basketball games. The second game I played ended up with me fouling out early in the game. I was actually playing against some friends, but they seemed intent on getting me fouled out! I was just trying to have a fun game--but they treated it as if it was some 10 year rivalry. And of course they found it funny that I fouled out. So much for friends right? I was so pissed. I wanted to mangle the referee. And of course I felt cheated because I drove 45 minutes from Pasadena to play a couple recreational basketball games. But at least my team still won [albeit by close margin] . So there was some satisfaction there.
Sorry.....I am digressing here, but I had to get the whole basketball ordeal off my chest. Back to my point...
So with all that in my head I went home and tried to go to bed early. But around 2am, Akemi decided that she did not want to go to sleep after her feeding. So I took her downstairs and tried to quiet her down.
It's funny how a baby wailing at the top of its lungs sounds different during the day [when you're wide awake] vs. at night [when you've had your REM sleep broken repeatedly]. When it's the latter, the sight and sound of a baby screaming is equivalent to having your fingernails pulled off. Actually..that's not very accurate because that's is more of a "painful" event. It's more like that helpless, frustrated, exasperated feeling when you're computer crashes after you've just spent the last 10 hours writing a thesis.
So after about 45 minutes of staring down the back of Akemi's throat listening to that blood curdling wail, I went upstairs and literally dropped her into Karen's lap and muttered "You need to feed her!" Karen ended up feeding her in the nursery and falling asleep with Akemi downstairs while I slept in our bedroom.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty sh***y. I felt like I had failed as a father last night. I was upset with myself that I lost my cool and did not keep it together. It is my job as a parent to take care of my baby no matter what happens. You definitely learn alot about yourself when you become parent. I am lucky that Karen is so forgiving and patient. She could have easily gotten mad at me for treating Akemi like that--but she was very understanding. I just hope that some of that patience and understanding rubs off on me so I can be a better father.
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3 comments:
Jonathan,
Don't be so hard on yourself. We ALL have our moments no matter how hard we try, but it doesn't make you a bad father!!! I'm sure you are a wonderful father. You know no matter what, she's going to be a daddy's girl! :) Give lots of hugs to her from us!
Don't be too hard on yourself, Jonathan. It's tough to be a new parent. There's going to be moments where you are feeling deader than a doornail and you just have to find some creative way of doing the parenting you need. I remember laying down with Austin a lot at my side just so that we could get sleep together. As much as it was a bad habit to get him used to, it got me the sleep I needed and it wasn't too hard to break him out of it (in hindsight). Anyway, I didn't know you weren't really taking time off from work; that sucks. I know that during the first month of Austin's birth, I was lucky enough that my entire family left me alone work-wise and all I had to worry about was my day-job. An 8-9hour day is enough without having to worry about more beyond it.
Anyway, I read your thing about bball and am sorry you feel that way. There's at least 5 reasons I could give you why you shouldn't feel that way, but the biggest ones are that a) we didn't start the game trying to get you fouled out, b) it is always strategy to go after the person in foul trouble because they're more likely to let you get a score than risk another foul, c) You racked up 4 fouls in the first half before the team started trying to take it at you... Lastly, your friends are going to jokingly give you a hard time. It's what friends do, esp. when one friend goes to another team in the same division. We get amped and excited for the game and we want to win. Just don't take it so personally next time.
Hey Jonathan,
You're doing a great job. Don't worry about last night. Babies pick up on stress so it was actually a good thing that you gave her back to Karen. Don't be so hard on yourself and you are a great father. I don't mean to put my husband on blast but Tessho hardly ever got up in the middle of the night (and Tesshin was always bottle-fed). You know what....he still doesn't get up to help me. I got to have a talk with that guy! (Ha ha ha). Anyway, we miss you. Let us know when things have calmed sdown so we can visit.
Joy
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